10 Horrible Baseball Walkup Songs

My favorite human slice of white bread, Joe Mauer, has been walking up to the plate to, “What You Know” by T.I. since I can remember. He may or may not have been carted into the hospital nursery on the day he was born, sideburns and all, to the song. I’ve always suspected he never changed his song because he legitimately doesn’t ever listen to music, setting his mind to loftier goals like figuring out, “What is milk made out of?” and “Which pair of sunglasses should I wear today?”

But it could also be an “ain’t broke/don’t fix it” situation. After all, the guy has gone to the All Star Game six times, won three AL batting titles and an AL MVP award all to the dulcet tones of a tune penned by a guy who is probably most well-known for his terminal inability to stay out of jail.

In any case, many players are still trying to find a walk up song that reaches the rarified heights of Mariano Rivera walking out to Metallica’s “Enter Sandman”, Carlos Ruiz stepping up to the plate to the atmospheric drum solo that kicks off, “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins or Prince Fielder just straight up walking up to an air raid siren. If you’re in the market for a new song, here are a few tunes you may want to avoid:

Needle in the Hay – Elliott Smith

I can’t think of a worse song to walk up to than the tune that soundtracked Richie’s morose attempted suicide scene in The Royal Tenenbaums.

The entirety of Dopesmoker – Sleep

Baseball games have always caught flak for being too long. Walking up to Sleep’s one hour and three minute stoner epic about aliens who live on a desert planet and can only breathe weed smoke might just be a hair too long for most audiences.

Screaming Infidelities – Dashboard Confessional

“Your Hair Is Everywhere” yowls Dashboard Confessional’s Chris Carrabba on this overwrought emo sob-fest. I guess the only time this would be acceptable is if Coco Crisp grew out his wacky fro and got some nautical star tattoos. Come to think of it, Coco Crisp and Chris Carrabba share the same initials and I’ve never seen them in the same place, at the same time…coincidence?

Pretty Fly for a White Guy – Offspring

Perhaps the only song on this list that MIGHT have really been used as a walk up song at some point. Not only is this song about a guy who is the worst, but it is also sung by a guy who is actually the worst.

Amber – 311

Actually, any song by 311. Let’s just leave it at that.

Summer Breeze – Seals and Crofts

The center of the Venn Diagram that includes “baseball” and “Seals and Crofts” is limited to “fans who wear pleated shorts”, “summertime” and “lukewarm wieners” for some reason… That’s about where the similarities end between our national pastime and this milquetoast anthem to the middle of the road.

My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion

Hunter Pence walks up to “Circle of Life” by Elton John, Josh Reddick walks up to “Careless Whisper” by Wham!, I guess this would work, but only if you play on a team in the Bay Area. I heard Danny Valencia needs new walk up music.

Dance (A$$) - Big Sean

While this would absolutely be the tightest walk up music, especially when it goes, “Stop. Now make that motherfucker hammertime.” However, I don’t think that the powers-that-be in the Commissioner’s Office would be on board.

Calculating Infinity - Dillinger Escape Plan

Fans generally want something that is either a) recognizable or b) has a good riff/backbeat. Dillinger Escape Plan’s brutal math-metal antics don’t really fit either of those criteria, however I would have mad respect for a dude who used this song as his walk up tune.

Are You Ready for Some Football? – Hank Williams, Jr.

Come to think of it. This would actually be kind of amazing. I’m for it.

This article originally appeared on ScoreBoredSports.com on August 11, 2015

I Named My Band After a Sports Thing

A friend of mine recently turned me on to a jangly indie rock outfit from Ohio that goes by the (I’m assuming) fairly tongue-in-cheek moniker of SPORTS. It did get me thinking about a phenomenon I’ve noticed more and more as I’ve grown older. Namely, the topic of conversation has shifted from basement shows, amps and the pains of DIY tours to baseball scores, cursing our starting rotation and whether or not Teddy Bridgewater is the real deal.

I think you can chalk up a lot of this to me not staying as punk as 17 year old me would have hoped, but I think there’s something innately similar between watching sports and watching punk shows. There’s a feeling of belonging, of history and a tradition and of constantly believing in the underdog.

With that said, it’s also funny to name your band after a sports thing. I personally have named two of my bands in this fashion, one being my highschool folk-punk band “Gramatica!”, named after the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ Argentinian placekicker, Martin Gramatica. He led them to a 48-21 rout of the Oakland Raiders in the Super Bowl my senior year of highschool. The other being “NHL,” an oft-dormant 80s-hardcore band that I play in from time to time with members of Apocalypse Meow and Tower. We’ve decided that NHL actually stands for “Nine Hundred Lions” or “Nude Harold Lloyd” depending on the day, how much we’ve been drinking and what kind of pizza we ate for dinner.

So, in order to not feel so alone in this cold and desolate world, I went out and tracked down some other bands who wear their love of sports on their sleeves:

Edhochuli

It sounds like it might be a disease, or maybe one of the weird Latin names that dudes in Norwegian black metal bands give to themselves, is actually the name of everyone’s favorite super-buff football referee, Ed Hochuli. Edhochuli the band is from Pittsburgh and make riffy, screamy hardcore with pretty tight names like, “Pizza Party at the Castle (We Totally Won)” and “Sir, I’ve Been Observing You for Five Minutes and You Have Yet to Say ‘Whoo!’ Once.”

Ten Yard Fight

These Bostonian knuckleheads are partly responsible for one of the weirdest subgenres in hardcore. Tuff guy straightedge is equally known for shout-along breakdowns and horrible guitar tone as it is for guys wearing workout gear and pumping iron before they go on. What does it have to do with sports? Ten Yard Fight was also the name of an early NES football game and they would rock football gear on stage.

American Football
Complex and vaguely mopey emo from Champaign-Urbana, I’ve always thought it was fitting that the guys called their band “American Football” and not just “Football.” “Oh, you mean American Football?” They were one of my favorite bands in highschool and I still dust off their self-titled record when I’m feeling gloomy on a sunny autumn day. The venn diagram of fans of American Football and fans of the NFL has got to be pretty small.

Modern Baseball

Another emo group, this one more recent. I gotta admit, this band has some serious hooks. Open-chord, girlfriend-going-off-to-college pop punk, plus the drummer sings sometimes, which I’ve always enjoyed. I think this band would’ve been right up there for me if they had existed when I was 17 years old.

Dikembe

What’s with emo bands and sports names? I had admittedly never heard of this band until I started writing this piece. Kinda noisy emo with noodly guitars and half yelled/half sung lyrics. From the punk hotspot of Gainesville, Florida they took on the moniker of Congolese NBA great, Dikembe Mutombo (fun fact, Dikembe Mutombo’s full name is: Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo, thanks Wikipedia!) and they also have a record called “Chicago Bowls” on which all of the song titles are the names of 90s Bulls players made into weed puns like, “Scottie Spliffen” “Luc Bongley” and “Tony Kukush” which is pretty damn tight if you ask me. I think they just missed, “Dankness Rodman.”

Overmars

I actually toured with this French doom and gloom outfit on their US run in 2009. They are all a bunch of sweethearts and really loved drinking Southern Comfort, smoking cigarettes and getting into trouble. Their name comes from the Dutch soccer player, Marc Overmars who played for Arsenal and Barcelona in the late 90s/early 2000s. Speaking of Dutch soccer players who would make great band names, how come nobody has named a band “Eden Hazard” yet?

There are a whole host of other sports band names, most of which are more obvious, like Nickelback, Yellowcard, Fastball and The Outfield but I figure you’ve probably already heard of them and don’t need me to tell you anymore.

I also was thinking about how good a name “Diamond Dust” (the substance used to keep baseball diamonds dry so they don’t get muddy during games) would be for some kind of space-y disco punk band, and then I found out that there is a band from Vancouver of all places who has already nailed down that moniker. Their guitar player’s name is Craig “Riffer” Hare which is about the coolest Dude-In-A-Canadian-Rock-Band name I can think of, so I guess we’d better lay off.

This article originally appeared on ScoreBoredSports.com on September 28, 2015

Five Leaves Left

Five-ish years later I've gotten around to dusting off the half-built Model T that's sat dormant under the dropcloth in the garage. Since the last time I wrote I've: Lived in two apartments in California and a house in Oregon. Released a couple EPs with a band that hasn't played a show in 4 years. Started a job at Chrome Industries that's enabled me to interview artists, cyclists, photographers and skateboarders.

Most importantly, however, my crowning achievement in the last five years has most assuredly been a one week span in which I was featured on the Jumbotron at not one but two separate Oakland A's games. Once as a part of a group and once singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" flanked by the inflatable heads of Ricky Henderson and Dennis Eckersley. I'm not sure how much karma I had to burn for that one but no matter what ills befall me in the future, they will pale in comparison to the glory of shouting, "PEA-NUTS AND CRACK-ER-JACKS" next to Eck's giant, inflatable mustache. 

Anyhow, this is mostly going to be a spot for me to ramble about things I remember, things I don't remember and things I'd like to remember if I could only fix that damn time machine.